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It's been too long

I have neglecting my blog for way too long, instead of using this as the useful outlet it was meant to be. Things have been happening in my life that have caused me to shut down. Physically mentally and emotionally. I can't even remember the last time I picked up a crochet hook to create something, which is extremely sad for me since at one time that was my greatest source of joy. A sense of accomplishment...pride in my achievement of my creation in how far I had come in this craft.

And now, I have been too embarrassed to tell anyone that I've sunken so low in this depression that I can't even concentrate on a pattern long enough to decide on a color of yarn I'd want to use let alone actually follow it long enough to see it develop into something.

Early in May my daughter and I were disagreeing on her relationship with her boyfriend and the amount of control he was exhibiting over her, (see older post) he sent me text messages, email and posted a vile video on facebook about how I should die and go to hell...etc... when my daughter did nothing to defend me our relationship suffered.

One day she decided to crawl out the window and not come back, for 3 weeks I had no idea where she was, I didn't sleep, eat, all I did was cry thinking about what evil was coming to phone call, no text messages, NOTHING.

Finally I went to her workplace and confronted her where I stood in front of her with tears rolling down my face and all she did was go on about how the 2 "friends" bought her a whole new wardrobe and it was like a vacation, no stress, she basically laughed in my face. I couldn't speak, she didn't say she missed me she never said she was sorry, she never hugged me...nothing.

I got in the car and left. The next time I spoke to her was at the end of June when she came to her brother's high school graduation, where she attempted to make it all about her, but I refused to allow that to happen.
I'm grieving my relationship I had with my daughter, I don't know what happened to her. Did I make a terrible mistake?
I have all these miserable feelings going on yet at the same time I have 6 other children who she left behind as well. She didn't only do this to ME, she did this to all of us.

How did I raise someone so selfish? With no remorse? SO self centered?
Will I ever recover from this? Will I ever forgive her?
More importantly, will I ever forgive MYSELF?


Holly Days Closet said...

Your in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this I know it's hard right now. If you need an ear just email.
Holly Days

Mon said...

I'm o sorry you are going through this. It's totally shitty.

I have a younger sister who I think of as having no conscience. She ran away from home and put my parents through hell despite that she was the favourite. She baically laughed in their faces too.

Fact is, you will question yourself a million times about what you could have done differently, but it's redundant. it is past. Unless it will help you with the other children of course.

But she sounds like it's mostly her issue.

I hope you find some peace for yourself and for the sake of the other 6.

Pick up that hook soon, you need to nourish yourself.

Deb said...

Once again I thank you my friends for your continued support. You will never know how much it helps.

penney said...

Oh Deb how sad I'm so sorry, you're in my prayers hun,